Back up and running in Bogotá

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Bogotá was next up on the itinerary. Capital of the country, it´s a gargantuan sprawling high-altitude city of 9 million people. Noticeably chillier than anywhere we´d been to, it´s also a culture-vulture hotspot, with museums, galleries & churches all over the place.

Arriving just as dawn broke, we grabbed breakfast & then kicked off a day of sightseeing. First up was the Police Museum, where we were given a personal tour around their Pablo Escobar exhibit. The collection included his gold-plated Harley, vast personal handgun stash and, somewhat macabrely, the blood-spattered tile from the roof where he´d finally been gunned down. Great. An hour later however, having been shown room after room of lists of police chiefs and regimental flags, we were ourselves flagging. Time for lunch. More culture after vittals. We headed to a modern art gallery, wandered round the National Museum, housed in a former jail and then, knackered, began to make our way back to the hostel.

As we traipsed along we heard people trying to get our attention. Thinking they were street hustlers we ignored. They shouted a second time so we turned round to find two girls racing to catch up. It turned out they were film students & were desperately searching for a main actor for their project, which they were going to begin shooting in two day´s time. They needed someone Western-looking, with blue eyes and blond hair. I don´t really have either, yet they decided that it was me they needed!. Starring in a film eh?? Why not… Delusions of Hollywood grandeur suddenly hit me. They needed Marcus too. I was going to get to kill him, on-screen.

I didn´t need to ear any more! 🙂 We were onboard. I neglected to tell the girls that my acting skills were, ahem, “wooden” to say the least.

Later that evening we headed over to the flat where a couple of mates of mine lived. Stu & Jimmy had been in Bogotá for over a year & had managed to bag themselves a piece of prime real estate on “Crack Alley”, the dodgiest street in the entire capital. Drugs, booze, women, you name it, it was all available literally on their doorstep. Nice.

Awesome seeing the caps. Both were on good form. Jimmy had got himself a local lady & had nailed the lingo. Stu, meanwhile, was harbouring dreams of becoming a cruise ship-crooning cruiser. Plus ça change… Heavy night on the sauce & solids; to bed at the respectable time of 8am and raring to go sightseeing the next day!

First up was the Donación Botero, an incredible collection of paintings and sculptures by local boy Fernando Botero – he of the chubby people fame – and his own private assortment of works by Picasso, Dalí, Monet, Miró etc. Amazing. The plump cheeky Mona Lisa was a special treat! Wandered some more around the old town, getting to the main plaza in time to witness a procession in aid of Don Bosco, a former Colombian priest whose ashes they were parading. Bizarre. They´re a funny lot these Catholics.

Anyway, after this Tommy & Gerontius decided they were hungry so we headed to L´Jaim, a Jewish restaurant. It was as if we´d died and gone to a foreskin & Gentile-free heaven! Houmous! Pitta! Baba Ganoush! Stars of David all around. MAGIC! Another night out followed, despite feeling decidedly ropey. We headed to la Zona Rosa, Bogotá´s bar district, but neither Marcus nor I were on top form. Ended up back at te crack den overdoing things again.

Saturday woke up feeling terrible. At least we had nothing to do that day…oh no wait, our acting debuts were coming up that evening – merde! Spent the afternoon trying and failing to get some sleep, and then headed to meet the Film Crew. Ha! It looks hilarious re-reading that. We arrived & there they were, asides from the director Karen. She eventually turned up & we set off for the International Conference Centre, where we were going to shoot our first scenes.

Slightly surreal, but definitely amusing as they set up lights and cameras & shepherded us off to get into costume! Yet by 11pm they still hadn´t started shooting & their main actor, moi, was dead on his feet after two ridiculously heavy nights. We managed to finally get a few shots, with Marcos, aka me trying to stifle the yawns long enough for them to shoot some film.

It hit 1am though, and with te crew – Karen, Felipe, Camilo and Estefania – wanting to carry on until 10am, it was time to bring out the prima donna side of me. We told them we simply couldn´t do any more & would have to leave the project if we didn´t get some sleep. 10am??!! We´d got in way over our heads… Anyway, they coalesced so we finally got some rest & slept like A-list babies.

Shooting restarted the next day, this time in a bar. Out came the prima donna again as I demanded breakfast. Mariah Carey eat your heart out! People who know me well, hell even people who don´t soon come to realise that without breaking my fast I´m quite a scary prospect. A sandwich duly arrived & so we began. It turned out my character Marcos was a bit of  a nut bar, a total sociopath. Fainting, hallucinations, hearing voices & matricide….I loved it! I wonder if it´s this much fun being mad in real life??!

In one scene, after answering the phone and then collapsing, I awoke to find Marcus (not my character but the real Oxonian) asleep in my bar. Obviously his snoring had enraged me or something (have to admit I never totally understood the script; drama students…) since I then got up, tried to drown him using a half-cup of water (??) then strangled him, eventually killing him by smashing (I would venture crumpling) a plastic cup over his head. Don´t worry people, there´s cinematic evidence of all this!! I personally can´t wait to see it! The crew broke into spontaneous applause, whether due to the high quality of the acting or perhaps they simply enjoyed seeing Marcus die I´ll never know 🙂

Filming continued. A doll kept popping up, some leitmotif related to my childhood. Hmmm. Anyway we eventually stopped for lunch at 5pm; filming was going to restart at 8pm. That night´s filming was amazing! I feel it´s where my sublime “planklike” acting skills came into their own. 🙂 It started with me being chased, running through alleyways with the cameraman, boom operator & director legging it behind me. Next up some more fainting, nosebleed, the usual.. I then had to drag Marcus´ body, rolled up in a carpet, down some stairs and into a basement alcove. ell this filming lark was fun!! And people get paid millions of dollars to do this? I´d do it for free food 🙂 We wrapped things up at 11pm, ready for more te next day.

The students, bless them, were earnest and knew what they were doing but were still students at the end of the day. It meant that after 3hrs waiting on the Monday morning we still hadn´t started shooting.. Anyway things finally got up and running. We were filming in an incredible bohemian house of a friend of the cameraman Felipe´s. I also got to meet my younger self, a cute little kid who turned out to be Felipe´s little brother.

More of the (un)usual. Dolls, nosebleed, dreams, dead mothers. We eventually wrapped it all up mid-afternoon & it was time to say adios. They were an awesome group of people. The students, who were really grateful for me having given up three days to help tem out. Their respective parents too, who´d been present throughout, helping out where needed. They handed over my acting fee, a princely sum of 140,000 pesos. About 45 quid. Not bad for three days work 🙂 Seriously though, I wish tem all the best & ope the final edit of the film turned out well. Maybe they´ll have found some way to mask the most mahogany-esque parts of my performance!!

It ad been a wonderful experience, but such a relief to be finished. Marcus and I celebrated with booze, beer & poker with some guys from Boulder, Colorado; a random little night tat involved a trip back down “Crack Alley” for some late-night supplies.

The next day was our final one in Bogotá so we headed to the Gold Museum in downtown. Fantastic collection of artefacts. The mind boggles at how much it must all be worth. Twas time, finally, to leave Bogotá & have a few days of R & R. God knows our thespian types need it! 😛